Monday, 26 March 2018

Things I never thought I would say before having a baby

"I left a pot of piss in my car again"
Being pregnant makes you pee. A lot. Some nights I would consider taking the duvet and relocating to the bathroom to save the in-and-out-of-bed gymnastics. I definitely pissed myself on more than one occasion while running to the bathroom after tricking myself that I could hold it in. I also pissed myself whenever I sneezed or laughed too hard. Pregnancy is a pissy time.
Despite all this, you can guarantee you'll be as dry as the desert when the midwife asks for some wee at your appointments. Suddenly, no amount of tap running and visualising waterfalls can make you squeeze a single drop into that sample pot. I resorted to pre-weeing into a pot on the morning of my appointments to make the process a bit quicker which solved my problem.
But THEN, they give you your pot of wee BACK at the end of the appointment like a prize. You get to dispose of it yourself which is a treat. I would always stuff it into my coat pocket and sometimes (actually, more times than I would like to admit to) the pot would escape while I was driving. Baby brains makes you forget all about it by the time the car stops. 2 weeks later when you're giving someone a lift is when you'll remember, because it will come rolling out from under the seat and disgust everyone.

"I'm gonna have a late night and not go to bed till 9pm tonight"
I will never see 10pm again. Just forget it.

"Hang on a minute, my tits are leaking"
I will never forget the face of the teenage cashier at One Stop who had to witness me buying an embarrassing amount of Club bars, with two massive wet stains on my boobs. He couldn't look at the boobs, but he also couldn't look me in the eye because he was clearly panicking about my mental state. I wish I could have conveyed to him that I was probably the happiest I'd been in weeks. Got my baby. He's got his milk and I've got my choc; life is won. 
It's become the most normal thing in the world to grab a tea towel/tissue/Jasons shirt and mop up boob leakage and then get on with the day and it's a world I was so utterly unaware of before having River.

Soz for leaking on you when we cuddle, Jase. (Milk, not wee)

"Can you hold his head while I suck this bogie out of his nose?"
Sometimes when it's a proper slimy one, I'm disgusted by my own bogies. So to think that I would be picking and sucking them out of someone elses nose without a care seems like madness to me. River got to the point where his snotty breathing was louder than the TV so I had no option but to get an aspirator and suck out the contents of his nose because he wasn't going to spoil another episode of Cake Boss for me. It didn't bother me in the slightest to do it and I found it quite interesting to look at the snot that collected in the filter (Jason wasn't quite as enthusiastic about the situation and gagged at the site of it. Shock.) 
Nowadays I live in hope that he gets a snotty nose because it's so satisfying to clear it out. It's a real eye opener to me that I've just written that - Are these the type of things I get excited about now? A snotty nose?

"This poo smells quite good"
I don't know whether it's because he's mine or because I'm wrong in the head but honestly, some of Rivers poos I've genuinely liked the smell of. I'm not saying I want the scent captured in a candle or anything but it's pleasant. At least it was until we started weaning. Now it's more like opening a door into the dark pits of Mordor when you get his nappy off. Jason threatens to get the Karcher on him when he's done a particularly disastrous one, but I don't think we've reached peak poo yet so I'll save that option til then. 

"Alexa, play Kylie Minogue - Spinning around"
Whenever I can't find the boys, I know for a fact I'll walk into the nursery and see Jason dancing around the room with River to this song. Now Riv loves it. I'll never forgive him.


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