Wednesday, 14 July 2021

The Breastaurant: the grand reopening

As some of you may be aware, the breastaurant was around for a 2.5 year stint before the suppliers called it a day and forced us to close. But with the birth of a new customer, the doors are officially open again with an all you can eat menu, 24 hours a day and no booking requirement. 

This time I was definitely more prepared. The skills I had learnt first time around (mostly how to whip your boob out quickly and effectively in any situation without squirting someone close to you) meant that I had a table ready and waiting for Winter when he was born, although it wasn’t exactly hard for him to miss. For anyone not familiar with the changes to your body in pregnancy … hormones are designed to make your nipples the size of vinyl records that are visible from space so your baby can “find” them?! 

Anyway, he wasn’t following the shirts and shoes dress code at all - but he’s so cute, we allowed it. After the hiccups that occurred in the early days with River, I was so happy that Winter fed straight away. It was something that played on my mind a lot in the later stages of my pregnancy. That and the fact a tiny human was going to rip through my body again. 

Despite the breastaurant being fully staffed, I do sometimes have a sous chef that I definitely didn’t request, in the form of River Rain Keyte. Rivers culinary style is questionable; as well as providing a soundtrack of very loud singing, shouting and general silliness that creates an ambiance that I like to call LADS LADS LADS, he seems to think that the dining experience is improved by him forcefully squeezing my boob while Winter is attached to it. It’s proving difficult to explain to him that the jet stream he’s creating isn’t effective and we have received complaints that the customer felt “rushed by the staff”. In Rivers eyes he’s helping me to feed the baby, but in reality it’s uncomfortable for everyone. Winter is massively unimpressed by the whole experience and wants him sacked immediately. 

Moving forwards, I have dabbled with takeaway options but I’m finding it more trouble than it’s worth. In order to provide a takeaway meal, I have to wait until I have a sleeping baby on one arm and then I’ll use the other arm to try to pump whatever’s left of my milk to make a bottle up and it’s 100% faff that I don’t need in my life, so it’s been short lived. Jasons been really embracing the newborn stage (loathes it. He can’t wait til he’s a toddler) and has said “feeding babies is boring after you’ve done it once” and Winter has said he prefers draft pints anyway so… from the tap it is guys! Don’t expect me on JustEat anytime soon. 

The breastaurant biz is a wild ride but one thing I did look forward to post-pregnancy was lying on my stomach to sleep again. Months and months of having to position myself uncomfortably to sleep so I don’t make a pancake baby in my belly and finally I can roll onto my front! Except I can’t. Because now I have 2 giant bags of milk on my chest at all times. Bags that will not only make me uncomfortable lying on my front for the small amount of time I get to actually sleep, but will definitely leak when pushed in any way. So while I do enjoy having to change my T-shirt and sheets constantly*, it’s easier to defy my desire to sleep how I want and just lie on my back, reminiscing about the good old stomach-sleep days of yore. 

*I’m definitely pretending that I change them. I am not above wearing a milk stained top and sleeping on milky sheets for days on end. Leave me alone. 


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